everyday i wake up and have this thought “is it morning already?? i just want to go back to sleep” and then i hear one thing that changes everything…..a soft whisper “ma-ma” coming from the monitor. in that small moment all my frustrations, exhaustion, worries, all of me is put to the side and i am reminded that i have a little one that needs me.
i think i face my inner battle of “its about me right now” on a regular basis. the moment when all i want to do is drown everything out and have some alone time. when i am dead tired and my little girl wants me to play with her toys or read a book and that inner voice saying, “ma-ma is tired i just can’t right now.” ever have that feeling? when you just CANT! its the feeling of guilt that comes flooding in when you just “can’t” but you know deep down, that these moments are so short with your child and you must. when you know that loving them is worth so much more than if i get more sleep or time to myself. the guilt is real people, especially to mamas out there.
i think we are prone to want more for ourselves, to make everything about ourselves. its the inner daily battle of our flesh and the spirit. i had always heard that you never knew how selfish you were until you get married, and that definitely rings true when you have a baby. i am always at war with my flesh telling me that i can’t or that i need this or that. but the spirit of god is waiting there quietly ready to show me that i need the love, joy, peace, and comfort that comes when you interact with others and with god. now don’t get me wrong, gentleness to ourselves is completely important, but i am talking about selfishness not self care.
the practice of giving. this could be giving of things, material items or the giving of oneself. the latter is where i am right now. finding joy in the giving of myself to the other. i wonder if the practice of giving is not just for others but also to god. well, i am actually sure that god desires for us to give ourselves to him in every way. this concept of giving ourselves to god can be confusing, overwhelming, and scary, but of what i know of the nature of god, it is so worth it. he is true, just, caring, and wholeheartedly in love with each of us. when we give, he gives in return. no material things, but so much more.
psalm 51:12 “grant me a willing spirit that i may give myself away.” this is my cry to the lord. i want to give myself away to bring others joy. i want to give myself away to draw closer to god. i want to have a willing spirit so that fear does not hold me back.
my prayer today is the words of the song that has been stuck in my head ever since sunday at church.
Fall Afresh
Awaken my soul, come awake
To hunger, to seek, to thirst
Awaken first love, come awake
And do as You did at first
Spirit of the Living God come fall afresh on me
Come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul
Pour in me to overflow,
Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
The lovely dandelion 